2012 - for the first year Drs were mostly convinced it was all in the mind so a very high dose of SSRIs, epilepsy drugs sent me into a deeper frazzeled state with increased serizure activity. The drugs were intolerable on my already weak system so I stopped seeing doctors and found a new way

2012- I started on the nutritional route seeing food as medicine and healing the gut from the multiple doses of antibiotics whilst back backing through tropical jungles and parasites I’d picked up on the way. A long and still continuing journey now of illimentation diet, low inflammatory and juicing and time along with a strong herrbal supplement programe

2012 - I discovered Louise hays guided meditations and the world of meditation and energy visualisation healing. This got me walking again after being bed bound for 6 months

2013 - I found a brain retraining and emotional reprogramming programe to identify all my held triggers of illness and limiting self beliefs alongside CBt sessions

2015 - I went to an ashram for 4 weeks and trained intensively to become a yoga teacher learning meditation, spiritual teachings , asanas, breathing and chanting practises

2016 - motherhood became my teaching for healing and being in touch with my body and self care for myself and baby

2017 - yoga, motherhood and intensive spiritual practise led me to a 2 day spontaneous awakening living in a soul state for 2 days. I saw all the reason I became ill, how to heal and how to help other heal for it’s my reason for this incarnation.

2018 - I went onto running Heart Awakening workshops around London, combining all the meditation, visualisation, self relefctive, energy healing techniques I’d found to help people in a group sharing format to accelerate their own transformative healing journeys

There are two chapters from a manuscript I’d most like to share:

(Extract from the Healing Chapters of the manuscript)

Healing my inner child

Through daily journaling I started to uncover silent echoes of self-sabotaging voices I held. I knew they were linked to my illness and that in finally knowing and releasing them just like a painful splinter under the surface, I could begin to heal from a deeper place.

With daily commitment to the journaling, I started to uncover the main themes. ’ I am unworthy of care, I am unlovable, I must be strong’ etc. The next part of my morning practise would be to stand opposite the mirror with testing task of seeing the best version of me. I dug deep to find the loving voice for myself. From that place I would speak to my fearful and defensive inner child and share with them the version of reality they most needed to hear at that point. For 6 months of this daily committed practise I became intimately familiar with my inner child, using the wiser part of my adult voice to heal and integrate the two together. It was an enlightening, warming and empowering experience.

If the brain can speak to the body, then in turn what was my body trying to tell me? What were the seizures trying to say? I sat in my living room alone in the depth of silence and found myself asking slowly and with importance; what is it that I need to know? In the next moment it appeared that time had suddenly started to slow down. My body began to tingle and my head became light. I felt a statement of truth come forth to my conscious mind with the clarity of strong words wrapped up in a deep sense of knowingness. ‘Saira – You must love. You must love yourself first. You are a good person and you are worth healing’. I sat in stunned silence.

As I sat in the silence of the words given to me, I became enraptured in this new reality, that I pure and simple notion, I am lovable. I am deep and truly worthy or care. I am worthy of living a life so ingrained in love and freedom. As this truth hit me, I was touched so deeply to my core.

Tears came to surface as I felt my whole body sigh. I felt the weight of a lifetime’s armoury begin to melt from my heavy little shoulders. As I cried, I felt relief combined with release of so many labels and personas I had worked my whole life to create start to fade away. No career progression, salary band, fancy hotel or backpacking trip of a lifetime would replace the deficit that had gradually been piling up over years. Love is the greatest force field, and as they say, love heals all. Love indeed would be the thing that healed me too.

It was time to turn the tables. I’d been carrying the cloak of illusion for too long and I knew although love is supposed to be a little four letter word that we are born to know instinctively, it was going to take me a bit longer for love and me to really become reacquainted. Like a new relationship that had just began, my soul and mind would begin their important mission of working together to help me recover the love borne from my soul. I needed to truly connect to that unlimited source, just as critically as the body needs water. I knew that if this was where true healing stemmed I needed to know that I was unconditionally lovable and worthy just as I am. I wanted to trade any basis of value based love I’d created, to know that I needed no reason, no job, no label, no salary or justification to simply be good, enough, worthy to be love. The voice of higher knowingness was too true to be argued with anymore. Over 30 years my ego had built the opposite of this. I’d learnt that love was conditional on approval, and approval came formulaically as something earnt like an output to my level of input - the more input in form of effort I put in, the more loveable or accepted I would be. In this way I had subconsciously devised my form of Value Based Love. I’d have to explore when and how they came about to begin to relieve them.

For the first time ever, I had started to uncover a very different depth to my healing. It wasn’t just coming from a goal orientated logical place harbouring any sense of fear relating to recovering, it was starting to come from a deeper place of self-love and healing. It felt organic, natural and created far more room to breathe. The brain is smart and so only responds in ways that ensure it true survival. When we see the illusion in the falsehood that we’re not loveable, then it simply allows the veil to lift exposing what was there all along. Love isn’t something we have to go and find, it’s something we uncover.

It was revolutionary, and worked unexpectedly and organically. Real recovery and subtle healing were not something that could be forced - the results came from letting go. This was completely different to how I had thought it worked in the past. I embraced the ease with which this new recovery was unfolding and welcomed the faith that went with it. I had begun surrendering again in a sense of trust in a force beyond me, one that would carry me back to vitality again.

I enjoyed my morning exercises and started to extend it to create my own adapted healing programme to encompass some more of the healing and now spiritual tools I was starting to find. I found spiritual and healing groups at a very special local spiritual centre, Atlantis, which would introduce me to more healing modalities I’d never heard of. Over time I would integrate it all to become my very own personalized emotional and spiritual healing programme.

(Extract from the Awakening chapters of the manuscript)

Spontaneous Spiritual Awakening

Nothing could prepare me for what happened on the 7th October 2017. For years I had heard stories of the Kundalini rising or of divine souls who had ‘seen the light’ or experienced enlightenment. We had learnt about it on our yoga teacher training, so somehow I assumed it could only happen in the depths of an ashram surrounded by fellow meditators, or perhaps at the peaks of the Himalayas. Little did I know that it would happen to me on a regular Saturday afternoon at home on my sofa and would propel me into a place of pure consciousness for a period of two days, along with long lasting transformations which would stay with me forever.

That afternoon I sat on my sofa blissfully enjoying a few moments of care free silence. My beautiful baby Aisha was fast asleep in her cot upstairs and Alan was working through the day’s build-up of washing up. I remember feeling much more relaxed than I’d felt in a long time. As I indulged in that space, something quite strange started to happen. I had no vocabulary to describe it but I knew that it was significant and was happening from a place that went beyond my mind. I would have expected to feel a little scared or wary at a minimum but instead I was transcending into a state of complete peace, confidence and certainty. It was the beginnings of entering the paradoxical world. I called Alans name, but words beyond calling his name were not flowing out of my mouth so easily. With my limited access to words, I just asked him to sit next to me. Again I wasn’t in the slightest scared, but knew that in the unveiling of this significant moment, I wanted my soul mate share in the experience by my side. ‘Something is happening Alan. I don’t know what it is, but I want you to be here’ I explained in steady slow verse and waited as the experience unfolded before me.

An energetic wave began to surged through the centre of my body. Like a plug connected to an infinite source above me, the energy continued to increase. The level of energy was so tremendously beyond any type of energetic work or healing that I’d ever encountered. It continued to increase until it filled my entire body and then exploded beyond my physical form. I had never felt anything like it, and knew whilst it felt weightless, it carried incredible significance. I had taken a step into the realm of my soul in the formless state of love absolute. In this light and formless state I had drifted upwards and outwards way beyond the physical form of the psychical being sitting on the sofa. As I made connection to my mind, voice and words, I attempted to relay to Alan what was going on. I laughed as I connected with the truth of what was happening. ‘I am not this body’ I declared. I laughed again. I couldn’t believe it, but believed and knew it absolutely to be true at the same time.

It was a pure moment of soul remembrance. I knew this truth, for many lifetimes. It was like this nugget of spiritual wisdom was being handed to be in the present day. Consciousness was speaking through me. I had no doubt whatsoever, and knew that no matter how simple the words sounded, the depth of power this realisation had when experienced as I was in that moment would go beyond what any text book, or video could ever teach me. It was never a case or learning, it was always a case of remembering!

The truths continued as I gazed down at my hands as though drifting in soul just above them. As I wiggled them knowing that I still controlled them with my mind, I laughed again and said ‘This body is just a vehicle for my work’. In that moment I understood each and every single reason that I had been struck by such devastating physical illnesses and handicaps in the last few years. For my 34 years up until that point I had identified myself with my body and mind. I knew in that moment that my body is not me. The definition of ‘me’ is actually my soul. I understood that my soul is infinite, and way more expansive and powerful than my body and mind. As I’d previously began to understand too, knowing my soul was the only way that I would go on to reverse supposedly irreversible autoimmune conditions in my body, seizures, chronic fatigue and more. I laughed again, and said ‘this body is on loan to me, it’s a gift from the universe’ and realise that as when gifts are given, they must be received with grace and gratitude, which in turn brings a blissful harmony between the giver and receiver. I understood that my body was to be treated with the respect that it deserved. If I began to nurture it even more fully by overcoming any limitation from my mind then I would be free to fulfil my soul’s purpose. Self-care wasn’t a luxury; it was a prerequisite of life.

Time lost all meaning as I sat in this space. I continued to witness and download the divine truths as they steadily poured into what felt like a pure and clear vessel. The channel was utterly undisturbed by any form of my ego or material thoughts. I continued to listen in awe to the truths as they revealed the most basic fundamentals of our universal existence. ‘I am not Saira. ‘Saira’ is just a name for this mind and body’ I then laughed again as I looked at Alan and in that moment spoke also to his soul directly and said ‘I am you and you are me’. In that moment I fully understood the phenomenon of universal consciousness and love. Consciousness is an energy shared by all living things. It unifies us, and we all exist together in its plain. There is NO real separation. The only separation is the perceived one when we are attached to our mind, ego, and body. Yogis talk much on this topic and refer to it as non-duality. When the separation dissolves completely, we see only the soul and energetic presence of another’s soul. Soul, consciousness, energy are all states of pure love, meaning that essentially the real me and you, is a state of love. As I experienced this truth and reality, I felt absolute bliss, peace, joy, contentment and love. I was filled, so filled in that moment. My mind would occasionally check back in and I was almost waiting for this incredible bubble to burst and land back in my old mind and body, but the bubble wouldn’t burst. It just continued, and so I embraced it. As I write this, my eyes are filled with the most loving tears. Can you believe it? This is our truth. Wow. This is our truth. I am love. You are love. We are love.

We heard our baby crying upstairs, and so I said to Alan, let’s go out. Let’s take a walk with her together in the park. I felt absolutely drawn to nature despite the grey skies and signs of rain to come. Alan agreed and we all ventured out together. My smile was unshakeable. My cheeks were slightly sore and strained from grinning from the flood of continuous joy. It felt like the joy was too large for my body to experience. As we ventured across the local green, drops of light rain fell and the scent of the trees and vivid colours came utterly alive. I was fully connected to all that was living. It was all encompassing, vibrant, colourful, loud but serene at the same time. I absorbed the detail of everything all at the same time, as if there was no separation from where the tree started and where I stopped. We were all one energetic and moving mass.

As we turned the corner on our return home, we were struck by another moment of divinity. A full and double rainbow covered the sky above all the houses on our road. I had never seen a double rainbow before. Two very clear rainbows, fully exposed and shining through the dusky evening sky. All three of us stood fully absorbed in that moment. Alan smiled too, sharing my conviction that something out of the ordinary had definitely occurred.

The feeling continued as we went through our earthly material responsibilities of being parents, taking ourselves through the process of meal times and through to Aisha’s bedtime. I didn’t really feel any hunger. I was still on a very different plain. That night I remember going to sleep very content but then waking up at around 2am. I awoke fully alert, feeling as though I’d just had a morning coffee. As I lay still, I was stuck by a flash of light. I opened my eyes and looked, wondering did I just imagine that? Perhaps it was just a light from outside. I knew deep down that it wasn’t though. To blow away any remnants of doubt, the flash came again but this time way bigger and followed by another surge of energy through the centre of my body with intense physical heat. My eyes remained closed, and although I likened it to a flash of an old fashioned camera, it didn’t feel abrasive on my eyes. It was seen by my soul’s eyes, which didn’t seem to have the familiar light sensitivity my body is so accustomed to. There were around 5 flashes in total over a period of 20 minutes. I didn’t feel the need to question them this time, or even try to understand what they were. I accepted they were part of my awakening, and was strangely content with the novel understanding. I fell straight back to sleep again.

When I awoke the next morning, I was intrigued about how my feelings would evolve over the day. The intensity had faded a little, but I still felt different. I decided to go for a walk into town and was surprised and excited by what I found. The only way I could find to describe it was like a CSI American drama series, where the shot zooms in on a suspect character in freeze frame, and a list of data appears alongside; name, gender, crime etc! For the few seconds as I passed each stranger walking in the other direction, an instant and clear knowledge came to me of who they were, what their expression meant, the source of their unhappiness, and what they needed to know to find their happiness. The information arrived at lightning speed, leaving me only with one action which was to send them the intent of healing love. So of the hundreds of people I crossed in a short walk to town and back, I walked around feeling like superwomen sending bolts of Divine love to all I passed. It was strange because usually my empathetic sensitivity would mean I’d feel quite heavy and burdened by seeing so much sadness, but instead I felt completely neutral. I cared deeply, but I had no attachment at all. I realised in that moment that love does not have to be accompanied by attachment. The most liberating love is when we love with no expectation from the other, and just love freely from our soul to theirs, hoping only good for their highest soul. It was a beautiful and affirming way of relating to the world.

As I walked past the ancient trees and churches in the town, I succumbed to another intense living connection with all things old and past. The trees and churches had history, and whilst I’d never really been that interested in facts and dates of historic events, I was magnetically drawn to the history of these old buildings. They spoke to me somehow. The volume of energy that came from all those that had prayed and hoped and connected with something bigger than them. I realised that this energy doesn’t fade just because an event has passed - buildings hold energy. It’s why when we walk into a room for the first time we get a sense at times of calmness or mild anguish. What’s occurred in those rooms has always left some energetic imprint on the space between the wals... and even the walls!

On the third day the sense of elevation had finally subsided and I returned more fully back to my body and mind. Part of me was relieved to return to the familiar feeling of self again, but the other part was disappointed. I felt there was still much work to do before I could reach the final levels of awakening and stay in the place of eternal, worry free enlightenment. The awakening was a glimpse into that portal, a way of allowing me to directly experience all universal truths, but it was not a short cut – I knew that I could only return there through continued work on personal growth. Although things felt familiar again, there were definitely somethings that would never be the same. New neural pathways are created during the awakening experience, and although the ego will pull me back into places of fear, and self-doubt, I bounce out of it much more quickly now, knowing that they’re not really my truth, just a temporary state of illusion. Without a doubt, my life will never be the same again, and ever since many consequent moments of divinity and intense oneness, bliss, synchronicity and visions of purpose have followed.

From a spiritual level, the imbalances and negative shadow patterns which had been passed on over generations were creating massive imbalances in my chakra system and then also corresponding parts of my body and mind. Mostly the idea that I was not loveable and not enough played out in manesting chronic stress, then low immune system leaving me susiptable to severe infections and viruses when backpacking. The inflammation of the body and stress of the mind causes the seizures and physical deterioration so undoing this was a conquest for the mind body and soul all working in harmony together and restoring a balance if never had.